I’ve Got Way Too Much Free Time

A few days ago, during my usual afternoon ritual of staring vacantly at a wall while listening to 80’s power ballads, I had a vision… A vision of my future… A vision of my future with Richard Quest, my super hot business traveling beacon of hope and my window to current events around the world.

With some Photoshop diligence, I made some visuals of my glorious epiphany..

Here’s what our wedding would look like.

This is me and RQ smiling for the photographers after the 5 minute ceremony at the Little Church of the West Wedding Chapel in Las Vegas. Aww, we’re so happy!

This is our two tier wedding cake.. it will be made out of marble and won’t actually be edible, but it will taste like peaches if you lick it.

And here’s a picture of us with my newly acquired family at the reception. My two step sons Johnny (black shirt on the right) and Hadji (turban on the right). Their nanny Race Banon and dog Bandit are on the left beside Hadji. And that’s a lizard man there in the middle with The Canon of Happiness and Prosperity. I smell a Happy Ever After!!

Signs that you've been out of work for too long

1. The highlight of your day is doing your laundry (which incidentally isn’t much since you only ever wear that one oversized Cat Gas LPG t-shirt to lounge around the house all week)

2. You’re beginning to get a tan from being exposed to TV light so much

3. You find yourself repeatedly watching Hallmark movies w/ titles like “My Son is Not a Murderer”, “Love’s Abiding Joy” and “Fatal Error” (which is a movie about a deadly virus that’s spread through computer monitors and stars Antonio Sabato Jr. and some actress girl) and sobbing hysterically the whole time.

4. You’re beginning to get bed sores from lying on your ass all day.

5. You eat breakfast food for every meal since you always think its morning after waking up from your 5 hour naps.

6. You’ve been sending messages to all your exes, both real and imagined (those restraining orders didn’t give any restrictions on sending messages now did they?? So suck on that!!), out of sheer boredom (or desperation, who knows?).

7. You start getting really good at using Photoshop to paste your face onto pictures of parties and vacations so you can post them on Friendster and fake having your fantasy life of being a rich socialite crime solving psychic.

8. You go shopping for three hours and end up buying only soap and toothpaste since, aside from being broke, you don’t have anything to wear new clothes, shoes or accessories to. So you lock yourself in a mall fitting room and sob hysterically while drawing a warts and body hair on your reflection with lipstick until mall security kicks you out.

9. Your eyebrows are now non existent since you’ve taken to compulsively plucking them during your idle time.. which is all the time since you quit your job.

10. The only other time you’ve left the house in the past three weeks is when you had to go to the hospital for tetanus and rabies shots after the neighbors dog bit you for trying to lure him with tasty bread and then kidnap him and then maybe kill him.. or marry him.. it depends on your mood really.

So you survived Valentines day....

... congratulations on your new borderline personality disorder! Have a Carebear! (they’re absolutely scrumptious)

But don’t shift into your manic state just yet.. First make sure you’ve crossed off everything on this post valentines to-do list

- Put away all your emo CDs, take a bath, eat a decent meal and sack up! After valentines, being all weepy and lovelorn is just annoying
- Check if any of the cuts you made on yourself are still bleeding one day after you made them. Any excessive bleeding might mean you either nicked a major artery or have diabetes or something, in which case you probably need to call an ambulance… right now. Remember, self mutilation is only cool when nobody dies… (otherwise its just suicide and that was only cool for 5 minutes back in 1997)
- If you’re one of those budget conscious people who live by the “Break up before Christmas, make up after Valentine’s day” rule, it’s time to give your ex a call..
- Get rid of all that chocolate you ate (summer is barely 2 months away, silly!) Here’s a handy tip from wikihow.com:
Trigger your gag reflex by pressing your index and middle finger onto the very back of your tongue, almost into your throat. Then start stroking the back of your throat. At this point most people will just gag and cough, keeping this up will eventually cause vomiting. Doing this should induce vomiting within 2 minutes
- Bone up on you test taking skills.. Get a pregnancy test, an ELISA test, a Tzanck test and a Wassermann test
- Save yourself unnecessary stress and remember that the age of consent in the
Philippinesis 12 years old.
- Tip the hooker you woke up next to generously, it was valentines for the sake of Pete! People should be generous!
- Don’t forget to ask your customer you woke up next to for a big fat tip. It was valentines for the sake of Pete! People should be generous!