Hope for the Halloweenies

This year, most prospects for Halloween are exceedingly bleak because of the US recession. Times are hard and money is scant (I have to survive on one 711 steamed bun a day just to afford my Vicodin and clay animation porn addiction [judge me if you want, but that Gumby is limber!]). People want to celebrate Halloween but are worried about costs. So, to help today’s frugal Hallowieners , I’ve compiled a list of cheap but distinctive Halloween costumes.

Lt. Mitch Buchannan

The thrifty halloweenie can go as Baywatch’s Lt. Mitch Buchannon, probably the hottest (well, arguably) male lifeguard in the show (not to mention the only male lifeguard that lasted throughout the whole series). This costume couldn’t get any cheaper, just throw on some bright orange shorts, leave some curlers on overnight, “borrow” a buoy from the community pool and draw on some chest hair and you’re good to go! Don’t have a pair of orange shorts? Just steal one from your gay neighbor’s clothes line, or spray paint any old shorts that you have lying around.

Johnny Quest

For those that want a costume that says “I crave adventure and excitement but am still really just a boy at heart”, why not go as Johnny Quest? The costume couldn’t be more inexpensive or easier to put together. Just grab your mother/sister/girlfriend’s black three-fourths sweater, put on a pair of jeans and white sneakers then soak your hair in peroxide for a few hours. Although, there is a risk that people might confuse you with Jared Leto’s character in Fight Club, but this will only happen if you’re good looking, so there’s not much risk of confusion is there?

The Blue Lagoon’s Richard and Em

Couples wanting low-cost matching costumes don’t have to look further than the classic 80’s movie, The Blue Lagoon, for inspiration. Now girls can share the experience of dressing like a slut on Halloween with their significant other at the cost of single, torn-up old white sheet. Shock your friends, relive Brooke Shields’ glory days and role play Richard and Em’s discovery of the birds and the bees as well as of the joys of incest without breaking the bank.

Mischa Barton

Female Halloweenies who are similarly cost-conscious could consider dressing up as Mischa Barton. The costume is easy! Just look through your closet and look for tops, bottoms, shoes and accessories that completely clash with each other and in no way form a cohesive ensemble. It’s a plus if you can find clothes that don’t flatter you as well. You already own everything needed to make this costume so it won’t cost you a penny! Make a statement at your Halloween costume party; show them that, like Mischa Barton, you are a free spirit! untethered by the basic rules of fashion and aesthetics. And isn’t that what Halloween is really about?? Just going nuts and throwing all good taste out the door.

Happy Halloween!!!