There’s nothing like waking up at 10am on new year’s day in your party hostess’s bed, with everybody from last night’s party gone (including the hostess who probably had to sleep at a friend’s because you were hogging her bed) and just a vague recollection of what happened after you downed that last glass of Jesus juice, then stumbling out into the living room to get your things only to have your hostess’s housemate from out of town suddenly arrive and give you a confused stare while you make for the door before she thinks to call the police (ehem… this is a hypothetical situation of course.. cough.. cough), to fill you with shame and the desire for self improvement.
After that fateful (and hypothetical) morning, I took it upon myself to make the following promises to myself this 2009 so I can become the proper and accomplished not-so-young lady that all the Jane Austen books have conditioned me to believe I should aspire to be:
1. I will read less novels and more nonfiction… fashion magazines, tabloids and gossip blogs are nonfiction right?
2. I will introduce more variety into my diet … by putting oden sauce on my daily 711 siopao lunch every now and then instead of creamy soy sauce
3. I will be more charitable… (read: I will throw more marshmallows at stray dogs)
4. I will exercise more… by buying candy on shelves that I have to stretch or crouch down to reach
5. I will shed some weight… by wearing lighter fabrics (cotton pants instead of denims and corduroys)
6. I will be nicer to people… HAHAHHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, okay maybe not
7. I will learn to play a musical instrument… I’ve always liked cowbell
8. I will spend less money… by bartering or by obtaining a sugar daddy sponsor to do the spending for me
9. I will become proficient in a new language… namely, hip hop slang (It’s all gravy my baby)
10. I will never drink again… in the presence of friends with cameras and Facebook accounts
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